I knew I wouldn’t make it to UWS practice, so I left my message in the roll call forum. I knew I’d miss my shot to say “blah blah blah blah”, showing off my garbled mouth to Batty, courtesy of Valve. I knew I’d miss that rrrrrrodger dodger, and a crowbar or 2, and miss team selections; but it was a missed practice that yielded more dividends than Phillip Morris on “Try a new cigarette” Day. It was an early Mother's Day last Saturday in the Manglomaniac family.

We decided to venture out the day before everybody else flocked to Cracker Barrel for hot apple butter breakfast or for the onion blossom and steak lunch at Outback. We wanted to avoid the wilted flowers for $5, and the $8 Mother’s Day overbaked apple pies on display; who puts cake icing on pie anyway? We wanted to avoid the fathers rushing around the pharmacy for that “special” gift and that only 2 cards-left selection; I know you’ve seen those eyes! It was almost like the look of a man on Super bowl Sunday when the TV blows out, just when the Patriots are marching down the field for an upset Super Bowl victory. Instead of the trauma and all of that drama, my wife, son and I went out for some appetizers and a cocktail on the night before.

We talked and reminisced about all our memories that went into parenthood, and what it took for her to be the Mother of our son. Of course, it wasn’t just how we MADE the baby, though there was conversation about it and subsequent take home quizzes for practice variations on that theme . We tried to gather all of the memories we’ve made ever since and it was quite a list and quite a journey, one that I enjoyed sharing that evening and for always. We remembered the difficulties and the victories, the little cries and the big smiles. It didn’t take me long to recall just how important this Mother has been to this family. I also realized that one little day was not enough to commemorate the person that makes order out of chaos, makes gourmet meals from scraps, makes boo-boos disappear, makes huge effort seem so easy and puts a 100% guaranteed smile on everybody’s faces, even when she busts our chops. Ok, so I was trying to out-do the Jumpernator’s Saturday night, but tho’ we didn’t make it to the dance floor for Darude or Paul Oakenfold mixes, we certainly did manage to tango our way through the memories of life, and make some sweet music of our own.

That’s not to say that I didn’t score multiple times last Saturday! I did make it late to practice and found that it was scrum city in Louisville. I enjoyed what few rounds I got to play in badlands, before FlushMang started to show his -=HPB=- designation by plugging up the pipeline with data packets that moved slower than turtles. I saw Batty, SnuffMang, SkolNutz, PreacherMang, Shad00d, Hando, SPAWN, 420 & Special-Mom-of-the-Day-BOO! Before I could place a rocket to make somebody dance, the map was changing. I did get to enjoy a game as sniper in Hunted, though I'm really quite bad as sniper. I knew that red dot meant more than a sale item at the local five and dime, that it was linked to some function on my rifle. But it took me longer to find a sniper victim than it did for me to count the number of desperately shopping Dads hours before. As much as I malign the wretched Hunted map, it was fun working with Batty and Skol to get to the APC past Hando, 420 & SPAWN, well, that is when I wasn't SG'd or red-dotted. Besides, I just haven't figured out how to get in the APC and get it started before I get wh00000shed away back to my Hunted cage. Go figure.

There was also the round of warpath where I ran (slowly) alongside *R*SPAWN. We were a great team, racking up some serious points, working some nice strats to battle and capture. GG to SPAWNMang! I later found out that 420 was AFK taking care of some business, and Batty was half-on-the-phone and half-in-the-game, and probably half-full-of-gas. Ok, that's 3 halfs, but who's counting. Anyh00, I won't take away the great fun and teamwork SPAWN and I had experienced, even if it was with opponents that were otherwise occupado.

Yes indeed, it was an all-“Mumma” weekend, and to all the Mothers out there, here’s a Big Thang You for all of the selflessness, the love, the time, and the sometimes unappreciated little things that add up big, and the big things that add up even bigger. And to the Mom in my life, who started as my wife, who made my son the apple of our hearts, a REALLY BIG MANGOLICIOUS thanks. Not only a Thanks to the Mom in my life, but to my Mom who brought me life, and props to all Moms who give life everyday.

Kiss the Moms in your life, and wish them a Happy Mothers Day everyday. Just like bryllcream, a little kiss’ll do ya.

-Mango

It was the the 9PM shift in the Funhouse, Wednesday, the 1st of May. It was Practice night for UWS, and I entered with a packed house: Intimidator, Punisher, Hammy, 419+1, Weez, Shad00d, Batty, SkolNut, Mango (me), and new recruits [UWS]*R*SPAWN and [UWS]*R*Preacherman, and even a special practice guest, and frequent server bud Heero. But I couldn't hear them, my phones were whacked. Normally, that would mean little more than a line check, and reinitialization. But making up for that lack of sense, my visual perception was enhanced and that lack of sound triggered a shocking discovery. It was with utter horror that I bore witness

to...

to...

to...

...Skolniks respirator-covered mouth moving like a bowl of jello full of jumping beans... ...Hammy deftly mouthing words through a cigar, looking like he was reciting the Declaration of Independence... ...Intimidator's shielded face, moving as if there were frog jumping inside... ...Boo's Soldier mouth reciting words out of synch like a GodZilla vs. Megalon creature double feature...

It was a sight of terror! How could such ghastly horrors occur on the in-game faces of my friends!

On the flip side of a double entity flush, I re-entered the House and this time I could hear again; the sounds were equally as haunting. Not since the Love Boat, did I hear so many lounge songs in one place. I heard somebody belt out Streisand's "Feelings", and Manilow's "Copa Cabana", and especially Jumpernators heartfelt rendition of "Blue Moon" (more like full moon). The familiar "Rrrrrrrrrroger Dodger" call was turned from glazed ham to overcooked pork, when I heard the theme from the 3 Stooges and what sounded like Benny Hill. Who knew Austin Powers and the Jerky Boys played TFC? Who knew that Garth Brooks and Johnny Cash were gamers on the side? Since when did Godsmack or Iron Maiden drop their guitars for a mouse and a keyboard? I thought I even heard Tom Bodet from Hotel 6 leaving the light on just for me. This only begins to tell you the incredible array of sounds and voices that filled my head on the server, and into the night.

What on this earth could possess a group to such lunacy? A full moon? Late night Taco Bell? Lack of sleep? Nope. It was the latest Valve revelation, in-game mouth synchronized IP telephony. Amazing. One simple concept that turned 12 people into lounge lizards, music machines, storytellers, human synthesizers, body noisemakers, and beat boxes. Valve has literally changed the very face of TFC gameplay from now on.

Yes indeed, Team Red spent the first 10 minutes of openfire_l talking to each other in respawn. Sure security was breached, sure Team Blue was running away with the score. But Team Red was too busy mumbling and jumbling, and looking to see whether their mouths were being watched. Yes indeed, there were few offensive sorties in the Funhouse last night, except the occasional methane expulsion. There weren't any strats or formations practiced, except perhaps the 2-minute talking football huddle. But what we did see was the dawn of a new era.

Now not only do I have to hear Batty burp, but now I get to see his mouth move in unison. No longer do I need to imagine the expulsion of carbon dioxide from Batty's mouth, but through the miracle marvels of Valve technology, I can actually witness these historic events real time in a sort of virtual reality. It just helps me to imagine the deeper meanings of a power belch, or analyze and interpret the buttcrackler. Who knows, maybe even Valve will come up with olfactory technology, allowing us to smell too. Ick. I'm just not going to imagine the possibilities there. Perhaps we could defend our base with Weez eating a raw onion, and Punisher chomping raw garlic; who would attack? I suppose Batty could just keep doing what he does, and that would be better than a 21-MIRV salute! In the end, I bet we'd have to pay $10/month for virtual Altoids to counteract the horrific smells. Not having to think too long, that's 10 dollars well spent...

-[UWS]StickMang

It was a busy night at the Funhouse last Wednesday, 4/17. I walked into a chock-full server in Badlands, the 13th UWS'er to wh00p it up with the likes of PunishMang, Battomatic, SkolNut, HamDawg, Mr. L, Boo, Shad00d, Weez, IntimiJumpernator, Hando, Storm & Pyro. I came in at about 9, and many were getting ready to head off to Combat Missions and other activities (are there really others?).

Despite seeing "vote McCain" and "vote anything-but-hunted", it was Torch2 that won the map vote in the end. There weren’t many left but Hando & Intimidator took on Battomatix. Hand of God, Fragger Extraordinaire, King of the 1-liners was a rarin engy, buildin SG's and calibrating frequencies on his EMPs. His partner was Intimidator, Captian Jumper himself, Master of the Cap ‘n Gren. Opposing them was Batman, the rocket-toting, infection carrying, EMP-tossing creature ready for the challenge. By the time I got in, Batty was already taking on water, and unfortunately for him and for us, I did little to hold the sea at bay.

Hando was pumping up his SGs, while Intimidator would sneak with the flag to return and backup later, playing a combination offensive/defensive game. Seeing how slippery Intimidator was on O, dodging our rockets and concing us easily, Batty and I opened the door to our base and left, laying out 100% assault. We tried a few different strategies against our friends. At first, we were dishing out some heavy weapons, hoping that an increased level of armor would withstand their defense. I’d carry the flag, and Batty and I rj’d to the top, but we were so graciously met at the door by our Hosts, Mr. Gren and Mr. EMP. To make the occasion extra special, they also introduced us to their cousins, Dis Spenser and Sent Regun. We felt so welcomed to their home, that we’d drop the flag to meet their explosive personalities. Usually Batty or I would get 9/10 of the way across the bridge, until one of the 2 young cousins would stop us stone cold. Hando must’ve thought it funny to see the flag ALMOST in the capture pool, whilst he built, EMPd and defended admirably. Intimidator was still capping all the while, and giving us the dizzies.

Batty and I were down, but we finally patched up the boat, and began to tread water, and make progress. This time we came in a little lighter and quicker, and got a couple of flags. Well, by this time, we were down significantly, so with their heads swelled up bigger than a SpongeBob in the ocean, Hando decided to stick a few SGs in our base and was stalking us like a cat on an injured bird. How rude to do that without a proper invitation! Well, I introduced Hando and his SG to MY family, the Rah Ketts. While I laid back for a little defense, Batty swept into their base, carrying a couple of infection sangwiches to their party, and tried to cap.

With the first 20 minutes of damage done, and the last 10 minutes not enough, the score ended up 140 – 50 with Hando & Intimidator “handily” defeating Batty and me. It was a great night to cap off a great practice, and a fun time by us all.

All of us entered the next map with the usual anticipation; except, Weez that is. This UWS practice was more than a frag-a-thon for Weez, it was a breeding ground. Yes, the instantaneous multiplication of thoughts on how he can take a great Valve HL map and make it into an exciting TFC experience. The future Crossfire Weezel-style prototype brainchild sounds like it might incorporate the DM style of HL, with a twist or 2 on weapons selection and ammo packs. There's nothing more I'd like to see than Mr. L as a crowbar-wielding Scout, instantly switching to his AC and taking you down hard. GAK! Talk about the element of surprise! Sounds like some great ideas WeezMang, but for now, it was time to play the map straight up and r0x0rz 0n!

Oh how the map was familiar from my HLDM days, but the environment a bit different. I was walking the map in the strange shoes of a Soldier, not those of our favorite Black Mesa scientist. When I joined the server, I was immediately greeted by the sweet sound of sirens; somebody had apparently called an in-game airstrike and put me quickly 1 frag in the loss column. I quickly remembered that the building cross-the-way was not a home for wayward UWS'ers, but a shelter from the raid. Too late. Knowledge is power.

The game was broken up into 4 teams: Skol and Weez proudly wore Red, Shadow and Boo were quite the couple in Green, Blue was taken by Batty and Hando, and Yellow was represented by StormBringer and myself, later joined by Intim. This was back to the days of watch your back jack.

The first thing I noticed was that there were no spawn packs, a fact alluded to by Weez during his 10 minute speech about what he wanted to change. What none of us realized at the time was the fun and frenzied gameplay that minimal ammo creates. certainly makes you think, it makes secondaries your primary. Woe to you oh Engineers, we all watched and laughed deeply for those first few moments of Engy-horror when they tried to setup sentry guns, only to have enough ammo for a Cub Scout's BBGun. Poor Shadow, he was so looking forward to issuing a few SG removal orders.

The double cannons blasted out carnage from the airstrike base, renting us with a flak attack. Poor Shadow couldn't for the fraggin life of him understand why the tarmac was so dangerous. StormBringer was truly renting down the lightnings from those cannons, and taking us all unaware. He found a way to hide from my relentless rocketlaunches, and laughing all the way to the trigger. I almost played a bit of sniper just to try to get him, but knew better of it. Me playing sniper is like trying to extract water from a rock.

I could think of no better song to commemorate the most innovative player in Crossfire, Skolnik, than an adaptation of a James Brown hit, "Skol Man". Skol had a penchant for dropping pipes at the 2 HEV stations, and extracting ammo packs the hard way from poor unfortunate players that passed by his pipework street art. It was like the Pied PipeBomb, luring us in with a tune, and taking us down in 1 big bada boom!

Once I finally smartened up and made it to the airstrike base for protection, I found that most of the rest of the players were there too. What a crazy set of scrums occured during the shelter period of the strikes. Call me foolish once, when I was fragged in the shelter, and let my competitive urges get the better of me. Not only did Boo get a big frag on me in the shelter, but when I clicked the mouse to respawn, the air strike double whammied me. Sheesh! Those kind of gifts were supposed to be reserved for Hammy's B-Day.

I didn't learn much about offensive and defensive strategies tonight in practice, but I did have a heckuva-lot-of-fun. To those still looking for ammo packs in the buildings, watch out for Skol! To those still wielding crowbars after loosing all of their ammo, BRAVO! Get your ideas to Weez, 'cause he's laying down the Crossfire foundation while laying down some Stevie Ray trax.

-Mango

It was a cool night in Tennessee, but a hot night in Louisville. Was it perfect weather to cruise with the King in the pink cadillac listening to rockabilly and eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches? Not exactly. Was it the return of Coach Pitino to ULouisville? Not quite. It was the night that the [UWS]Funhouse was packed with lots of fun times and frenzied play.

The Volunteers may be resting for the next hoops and pigskin seasons, but 5 grizzled Tennessee TFC henchmen weren't. [UWS]Intimidator, the Jumpernator, unveiled his ringer lineup of workmates, not-to-be-confused-with-any-old-Cartoon, to Scrum Night at the OESM corral. We bore witness to the familiar UWS friend SPAWN, the most pious AC-wielding Preacherman, multi-class, teeth-bearing [EFW]Dogman and Rocketman galore [EFF]Renegade. Though I won't spoil what few details were captured of this match in the annals of history, I will say that these guys were a lot of fun to play with, and we all had great time!

The first match was a pre-game warmup in Crossover2. This gave everybody the chance to introduce, get warmed up to the game, and get people in. I found it mostly to be an opportunity for CannedHam to display his single-man-holding-the-oar defensive strategies. [UWS] eventually got the hint after hearing subtle remarks from the Glazed-One like, (paraphrase) 'Defense is fun too you know'. After we got everybody in for the match, Shadow switched us off to Badlands and locked us in.

I didn't keep score, so I don't recall match result in badlands. But it didn't matter, the group-sometimes-called-[TOON] laid down a rock-solid stay-back defense, laying SG smack all over us. And PreacherMang with that AC pumelling us with lead at the ladder. On the defensive side, SPAWN was comin in like gangbusters, backed by Intimi. Thanks to Vengeance and his cannon and a few MangoNades, we tried to hold SPAWN AND Intimidator off...that is when Intimidator was not stuck in a swirling entity flush. Batty & Shad00d, Ham & Boo focused on the front and on O. Boo and Shadow were servin up some Racks of RocketRibs, Hammy was servin up infection spamwiches, and Batty his souther-style EMPlicious EMPpies hot from the oven.

Would somebody please tell Intimidator that when his jumper is down and he's exposing major crack, he shouldn't be coming in and out of the server, it makes a terrible draft and might give him a cold! And if he wants to create a new dance craze, Intimidator should not copy the Matrix. I saw his carcass hanging up there frozen in a suspension like a cryogenic freeze frame. Ah well, we missed ya Intimidator.

The real challenge came after Badlands, during 2Fort. This was a tough match and TOON made a great go. Left after the carnage of crossover2 and badlands was SPAWN, Preacherman, Dogman & Renegade against Shadow, Boo & Stick. This was an intense battle. TOON took an early lead, and held on to it very well. I remember Dogman running wild, so he was a scout or an engy comin on strong. Renegade pushed with his rockets. SPAWN was EMPing to make Hammy proud and Preacherman loosed his SGs, much to UWS' chagrin. On the [UWS] side, Boo and Shadow were pushing the O. I was holding the D, with a great deal of fallback support from Shad00d & BooManguette. We were behind for most of the game it seemed, but Shadow & Boo kept rallying flags to keep us in. With less that 5 minutes left, [UWS] abandoned all defense and put on an all-out assault. There were more SGs built by TOON, keeping our SG magnet Shad00d occupied. With one last thrust, we backed up the Lurking Nightmare to get a flag out to tie the match to 40 - 40 in the last minute of play, in an incredibly exciting, and fun game.